hope

The other part of "musing garland" (still thinking through what to call it)...  There are 6 more days after the initial 25 that count up to Christmas day.  The barrier between the first 25 tabs and the next 6 reads "Hope 2011".

This week we've continued the habit of asking a daily question, usually around the dinner table.  All of the 6 questions are about the year ahead.  Something we'd like to do as a family.  Something we are hopeful for.

Again, I love how it is simple, but requires a bit of thought.  I love that it helps us think about the year ahead, in a dreaming sort of way, as we've just finished debriefing the year almost gone.  It puts a bit of perspective on our days.

I am anticipating the year ahead as today it is still a mystery.  There is much unknown, but I am at peace and even curious as to what our days will look like. 

Most likely they will continue in the same fashion.  I am happy with that.  Since no matter our circumstance, peace/simplicity/love can remain.

Happy new year and much hope to you!

Christmas 2010

To help me remember some things we did for Christmas this year...

• Cookie making with my mom - from her blog 
• Going to my grandparents' house - again from my mom's blog

A bit of gift inspiration from this year...

• Fabric nesting toy - from Made by Joel 
• "Tinker toy" interlacing-stacking (3rd picture down) - also from Made by Joel
• Our own homemade cards
• A rendition of a crayon "roll up" (do you know what I mean?)
• And our tradition started this year of counting down days / anticipating Christmas / remembering the year coming to a close / being grateful (I wanted to call it our "musing garland" (kind of fun, don't you think?), but Clint didn't love that name...back to thinking about what to call it)

And I've written down a few ideas I might attempt next year, if simplicity allows (which this year it did not :)).

perfect

I am not (perfect).
I mess up.
I will let others down.
Yeah, that didn't work. 
What is success, really?

These statements are ones of beauty.  They are bringing freedom to me.

Of course I've always known I wasn't perfect, but I must have still tried to be.  Now I know, I am not perfect.

For me, realizing this was like when your brow is furrowed and you only realize it once you relax.  The realization of the depth of the tension is in the release.

I am released.

the end of a day

It was a quiet day here. 

The snow came yesterday, in the afternoon.  I'm always reminded of the uniqueness of this community when the heavy snows come.  No driving necessary to enjoy dinner with friends.

Lots of reading.  Organizing.  A few games played today. 

Evee loves the snow and I don't know where she gets it.  She wanted to wear her snow suit, even when we came back inside.

A meal put together.  Quiet around the table.

Enjoyed opening a late Christmas package with many treats inside. 

Evee learned how to play tic-tac-toe...continuously asking Clint not to block her so that she could win.  She was slow at making her way to bed.

Iris sat by me on the couch after a feed.  She crosses her legs, on her own.  It amuses me every time.  She leaned her head against me and I could feel the rhythm of her breathing.

The girls in bed and me tired.  Clint was reading.  I shed a few tears for semi-silly emotions.  Talked it out with Clint.  The emotions went with the tears and now I feel content. 

Worked a bit on this pattern.  It took way to many starts for something I already know how to do.  But eventually I got it.  Finished one square, so I should be good for the rest.  I love the look of these little slippers.  Which, by the way, most of my family members may end up with before the end of 2011. 

And now to bed. 

Good night.

this week

...in (no more than) 48 words.  A rhythm for the weekend.  To look back on the week past and give words to a specific moment or the week as a whole.  A simple way to remember the weeks, the moments and to stay present.

I would so love to read your words!  If you take time to ponder the week and write, please share them.
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There was a different rhythm to the days.  Slower.  More time together as a family, but extra freedom to do organizing and randomness.   Christmas.  Sweet moments as a family, new traditions as well as old.  Joy.  Now moving into the next week with snow hanging on the windows.

sweet things

My friend was out and had a late lunch with her daughter.

They purposely ordered on the cheap side.

As they were eating she heard an older woman behind her.  "Do I pay at the table, dear?" she asked her server.

My friend said that she heard the voice and it reminded her of her grandma's.  She quietly asked her daughter if the woman behind her was alone and her daughter nodded yes.

When the server came by their table, my friend asked for the woman's check, feeling compelled to pay it.  The server told her she'd already laid it at her table.

My friend got up, went over and told the woman that she wanted to pay her bill today.  The woman's eyes misted.

"Did you know that I just lost my husband?"

"I'm so sorry you're sad," my friend said.

The woman asked why she wanted to pay.  She said that she felt she was supposed to and wished her a merry Christmas.  She gave her a hug and took the check.

Later the server also asked my friend why she did it.  Again, she said she just felt compelled to.  The server said that she had done the same thing for someone a couple of weeks back and wasn't sure why she had done it.

My friend concluded with, "Maybe God was trying to speak to us..."

I love her faith.

Many blessings to you as you celebrate the birth of the One who sees us and cares.

counting the days

Once we hit December Evee started asking every day, "Is today Christmas?"  As much as I love the girl's anticipation, I figured it would be easier to make something tangible for her to see the day coming closer.

We made a paper chain.  We put advent readings on them and were going to do them each night during dinner.

It started out well.  She was always up for the reading and talking, but after couple of days we realized that it was a bit much at this point.

We still have the chain, but I started to brainstorm again.

In the spirit of it being the end of the year I put together something that will easily help us look back over the year...in gratitude and for memories.

Its also a "Christmas decoration".  Each day we answer one question about the year.  It may be what the most significant event was (Iris for 2010 :)).  The best place we visited.  Favorite song, favorite memories, favorite people....  Some of them are deep questions about our year, others are light, others are fun.  All of them memories that we want to remember from the year.

There are 25.  December 1st - 25th we answer these questions.  I sewed together simple "tabs" using muslin fabric and twine.  I write our answers on the tabs with a fabric marker. 

Our hope is to continue to do this each year in December.  Next year maybe I'll use different color fabric or ribbon.  I'm sure eventually the tabs will get longer with 4 of us (who knows, maybe more) answering the questions.  Each year the same questions, different answers. 

It also serves as a Christmas ornament.  I figure for all the moving we've done (and will continue to do) it's easier for this family to have easy, transportable decorations that won't break.

I love that we can all participate.  It is not beyond a 3 year old or too easy for a 30 year old.  My parents were here for a couple of days and joined in answering as well.  I love that.  It brings us together.

I love that it creates a moment where we choose to look back, be grateful, take in lessons and memories.

volunteers

I work with a group of volunteers who love working with kids…teaching and modeling life for them, being compassionate and loving, choosing to be around infants, toddlers and preschoolers and enjoying it.

They amaze me all the time.

These are the people I get to be around.  To coordinate the schedule of volunteers and (hopefully) support them in this endeavor…this is my job.  This is what I’m honored to do.

Recently we did a “thank you night” where these volunteers could drop off their children for a few hours and do whatever…have a date, get Christmas shopping done, sit in silence, go for coffee…whatever they needed it to be that night, the opportunity was there.  Two volunteers (who had older kids) wrote back saying that they would like to help out. 

Each week I get to watch them interact with children, listen to them, chat with them in the hallways, and laugh together. 

If you ask them why they do what they do you will probably get a host of different answers...all of which will lead to "they believe in it".

They believe in the next generation.  They believe that our interactions with little ones today will matter tomorrow.  They care that children hear stories about a Savior who loves them.  They teach songs, do crafts, listen to a host of random stories.

I can attest that this is no easy job.  I’ve seen them, these volunteers, with vomit on their clothing and with classrooms full of children (half of whom are crying at the beginning of the hour).  They’ve held little ones for many moments as they cry while the volunteer does all they can to help that one child feel comforted and safe.

The job is never done…the task never complete.  And yet, they come back week after week to live out love to children. 

I tell you, these are amazing people.

this week

...in 48 words.

A friend and I have been experimenting with words in a different space.  It has been really interesting.  It got me thinking...I'd like to "end" each week here in a similar fashion.  

Each weekend I will share a quick synopsis of the week or a favorite moment or a few key things that debrief the week...in 48 words or less.

As a simple way to remember the weeks, the moments and to stay present.

I would love to read your 48 words if you are comfortable sharing (please do!).  Just a short email exchange.  Would be fun, don't you think?

I'll begin.
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Sweet interactions.  A conversation at our couches.  Hearing of good news, even over a text.  A brief, but sweet email exchange.  Embracing my parents at the train station.  Watching the girls with their grandparents.  Lots of laughing.  A date with my husband.  Hearing history through my grandma.

so many things

There are many things about this season that are lovely...to be sweetly enjoyed.

It seems I'm seeing Christmas for the first time this year...in 2 ways.

One, in actually anticipating the birth of Christ.  I don't know if I've ever felt the anticipation like I am this year...only to grow more and more I'm sure. 

The other is experiencing it with a 3 year old and a newborn.  I feel more settled as a family this year.  We are getting to know ourselves better...who our particular family is.  It's nice.  We try something out...maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

I think we will grow into who we are more and more.  This is an encouraging thought.

This year I think of all the things that would be nice to do.  Presents that would be fun to make, good to give.  And we have done some of that.  But, if I think about starting now to do all the rest that seems fun and it will simply be stressful, not fun.

So I will keep this in mind.  And allow us to grow into what we look like in this Christmas season.

For this year, we will keep it simple.  We will sink into the few traditions that we are starting.  We will go slow, love where we are at and what we are doing, and be at peace.

a day

We eat breakfast together.  Across the table is a beautiful 3 year old.  I feel too young to have her, this beauty across from me.

Iris sleeps through the breakfast. 

Evee and I chat, about oh so many things. 

We have all the time in the world, sitting at breakfast.  I drink my coffee and we look at each other.

We decide to make cookies for our event that night.  We walk to the store.  Everything is amazing.  She wants to buy a card with Christmas on it.  I remind her that she's already made cards and that they are beautiful.  I tell her that I will try to remember the things she likes.  Maybe one day she’ll get them.  Maybe something for her birthday.

We arrive home.  She gets busy doing something…I can’t remember now.  I tell her that I’m going to look for a recipe.  We’ve never made sugar cookies with frosting. 

The whole of the afternoon is spent baking.  Just enough time to frost them before we leave.  She asks me if I made cookies with grandma.  I’ve wondered the same thing already.  I’m sure I did.  I know I did.  But I can’t remember.  3 is young, but not.  Will she remember, I wonder. 

The only breaks were to feed Iris.  We sat on the couch and read while I fed her.  Good Night Moon.  The Runaway Bunny.  Green Eggs & Ham. 

Iris would eat.  Then hear Evee laugh or talk.  She’s stop and tilt her head back, make eye contact with her big sister and smile.  Oh Iris, we’d say.  You’re supposed to be eating.  We laughed and laughed.  She did it every time. 

We make it on time, these girls and I. 

By the time we get home they are very tired.  Right to bed.

Now I am here.  With my thoughts.  I put on my slippers and write.  The kitchen has traces of this afternoon all over it. 

My heart is full.  I am content and thankful.  Life is a joy.  Truly a gift.

anger (five)

Previous posts - (one), (two), (three) and (four).

This is the last post.  Thanks for "allowing" me to share some of my story.  Thanks for grace as you have read it.  

To finish, the last bit of the email...

"I will also add that the 1 year old range is a challenging one (I'm sure much more so with a boy).  For us, it was when we were traveling and moving here.  That's when I read the book "Love & Logic" because I was losing it a bit with Evee.  I think its a process of figuring out how you're going to parent and who plays what role.  From my experience it gets easier to parent as a team from that age up...does that make sense?  (and I will note here, that was my personal experience up to now - our 3 1/2 years - parenting has not gotten easier per se, but we've talked more about how to parent together.)

Anyway!  That's a lot of stuff to take in!  Didn't know I had that all in me. 

We all mess up so much along the way.  I find assurance in that...  Even as I write this I think, I'll probably get really angry again soon and have to think through this all once again :).  I'm so thankful for grace in the process. 

If I think of any books I'll let you know.  The only one coming to mind is the Mother Teresa book I tend to look through now and again.  She says that peace and war starts within one's home.  For never being married or having kids (of her own anyway) she was incredibly wise.  I think anything having to do with love and grace would be helpful...give grace to yourself." 

anger (four)

Previous posts - (one), (two) and (three)

Again, just going to copy and paste...

• In general I've tried to be positive more this past year.  Crazy thought, right? :)  But, I do think it's made a difference.  Seriously, some nights I'd just sit at the end of a day and ask myself, "what was good about today?" or "what brought me peace today...even if for just a few minutes?" 
  
• I've stopped blaming Clint when it's my own fault.  Sure, I can't control everything about our schedule right now...we both have to work and Clint is in grad school and we've decided to have 2 kids.  But, I can control taking care of myself...being aware of what I need and making it happen.  At the start of the semester Clint and I talked.  I told him I was afraid I'd never get moments to myself.  We put a time on the calendar every week that was my time.  He'd be here and I'd walk out the door.  Now we know I get plenty of time, so we don't stick to that time slot a ton, but it's always there if I want it.  I think trading off with each other and comparing calenders is a great way to not become resentful (this goes both ways).  If Clint needs something, I want to trust that he, too, will tell me. 
  
• Some of my worst times were when I was just too busy.  I did a few 50 hour work weeks last year and I thought I was fine and we were "making due" and I was happy to bring in extra money.  No, in reality, it was crazy.  I started to ask God what my limits were.  I asked him how much I should work so that our home life was peaceful and so that I can still like myself and my family.  Last year between the 2 jobs I knew it was 40 (most of which Evee was with me).  This year, it's less than that.  I think this will change again (a lot) so I'll just strive to be aware depending on what our family looks like in the moment.  We both make decisions based on peace in our home.
  
• Last year we also did a weekly date night (we need to get back to this each week).  I think this is great just to be together, have fun, and get back on the same page.  Even if it's at home with your favorite take out or a glass of wine while your kids are in bed.

 And the tail end tomorrow...

anger (three)

If you missed the first two posts they are here - (one) and (two).

I'll just post more of the email today.  I'm just copying and pasting...so please excuse typos and all the other mistakes.  It was simply an email to my sister.

A few things that came to mind tonight when thinking about this...

• When my mind starting going to "I'm doing this, he's not doing..." I stopped.  I told myself the truth about who Clint is instead...an AWESOME dad and husband.  He does a ton and would help out in anyway.  If we have a good chat about what needs to be done, it's even better (not me crying and angry and making him feel terrible).  
• Right now it's a bit easier for me in the "comparison game"...Clint is doing a ton.  However, I've still made time for myself which has helped a lot.  Last year for Feb - May I had every Friday morning to myself.  I literally went to Panera every Friday morning and journaled or read.  It was awesome.  I don't regret a minute of that time spent "not working" or the $5 I spent.  It was worth it.
• This year we put the girls to bed early - around 7/7:30.  I see my evenings as "my time".  Sure, my house is a bit messier for this season, but I'm not bitter about life...so it works.  Like I said, I walk 5 nights a week (only started 3-4 weeks ago).  Partly due to wanting to lose baby weight but partly because Clint is running a lot for the marathon and I didn't want to resent that he got time to care about his body and I didn't.  He's never said a word bad about it.  I think he's super happy that I'm taking that time, in fact.  I did think through to find a time that worked for both of us.  I think if I went earlier I'd feel rushed and he couldn't get stuff done.  If I went later I'd feel like I was missing out on time to relax or hang out with Clint (or get stuff done if I feel like it).  Some nights I leave right before Evee goes to bed and other nights I quick put her to bed and then head out.  I love these walks...I breath and take in good thoughts.

Continued tomorrow...

anger (two)

If you missed the first post yesterday, it's here (or just below this one :)).

We come to a turning point...this wasn't actually in that email, but thought it was definitely worth mentioning.

One night I got so upset for a silly reason.

I came out to the couch to sit and think and "calm down a bit".  I'm not recalling all of the details, but I'm sure I made my way back to our room a couple of times to say a few things about why I was upset. 

When Clint came out to the couch I was crying and upset.  My sitting and thinking and "calming down" was basically thinking through why I was upset and all the reasons I was so good and he wasn't (probably anything I had been upset about over the last year) and just dump it all out.

I think I wished he would get angry back.  Tell me what was wrong about me.  Say mean things.

But he wouldn't.

Then I'd get upset saying that he didn't care.  And he would say he wasn't sure what to say.

Finally, this one night we somehow ended up talking about why he didn't.  Come to find out, he choose not to.  A shocking concept!

He said that at points in his life he would have come back at me with really mean and hurtful words.  He said that sometimes he thought of things to say, but knew that they weren't really true but instead were based on his emotions in that moment.

It was a conscious choice to stay quiet, because he didn't want to be hurtful.

Yikes.

I don't know...somehow I was able to hear it that night.  I know I should have known that, of course, I can make choices to stop the negative train of thought...to think about things that are true verses untrue.  To think logically, to remain calm while we talk things out.

And yet.

Besides that conversation (which was huge for me) there have been some practical things in the last year that have only added to not getting angry.

Again, to not let this get too long, I will continue on tomorrow.

anger (one)

I recently had a phone conversation with my sister about anger. I thought about our conversation throughout the day and then emailed her that night.

More came out of me than I expected.

I thought I'd post sections of it here, in parts.

A bit of vulnerability this week friends.  

The context of the conversation was mostly around getting angry, specifically with husbands, and being sad/frustrated by it but also feeling unsure of how to change.

Today I'll start with my story...

(from the email)

"I am thankful for grace on the journey... I know I don't really have answers except for what I experience.   And, just to be clear, as far as "letting go of anger", it's been about solid year, but yet, only a year.  It's a process, right?

I used to get upset with Clint.  I would be so mad, then sit and think about all the things that were bothering me or what I felt alone in (that I was doing so much and he wasn't doing enough).  Besides the first year of marriage (when I was angry a lot), I would go in seasons where I was angry and then fine."

And to add a back-drop...

Our first year of marriage I did not respond to the birth control pill well at all.  I was basically angry all the time until I got off.

Growing up I must have been easily angered.  I'm not exactly sure why (definitely something to think about) and I don't know if I could have said that before this year.  I'm sure if you ask my siblings and parents they would say this is true.

I've always been good at bottling stuff up and then letting it all out in one crazy moment. 

(an odd place to stop, I realize, but I think I'll pick it up again tomorrow)

'tis the season

Almost a week ago we put up our Christmas trees.

I am thankful and enjoying...

the ornaments and decorations a friend passed on to me last year

the way that Evee is anticipating Christmas and all she is learning within that

sweet reminders of the reason we celebrate...including doing advent for the first time (!)

the creativity of others (we are going through Ann's Advent devotional)

this Christmas music

knowing that we could make Christmas cookies with my mom when they arrive

that I "got" Evee's gift yesterday (ballet lessons) and am SO excited for her to know...I can barely stand it
that I finished crafting presents and Evee finished cards for grandparents and cousins
and even though I could craft a few more things (and hope to), we are essentially done

the peace and simplicity we are experiencing
and, I believe, will only receive more of in the weeks' ahead

cake

If I wasn't making this chocolate ganache cake for every possible occasion I'd probably be losing my baby weight faster.  But then again, you need a chocolate ganache cake for a work meeting, right?

I thought I'd share the recipe here just in case, you too, would like to share in the obsession.  Your welcome and I'm sorry :).  Really, it's a super fun cake to make for special occasions!

You can find the recipe here.  It looks much more daunting than it actually is. 
Then, I made the following changes

• I used regular white flour instead of cake flour, but added 2 tbsp. of corn starch
• I used regular milk instead of buttermilk
• I made it with 2 round cake pans instead of the metal dry measure cups.  I stacked one on top of the other with ganache in the middle
• I made extra ganache
• For the ganache I put 2-4 tbsp butter with a lot of chocolate chips (maybe 8 oz.) and microwaved it together until it was smooth when mixed.  THEN I added the half and half (or heavy cream).  I whisked it together...it takes a minute to combine (don't worry), but I find this way much easier than what they suggested.  This is something I took from a friend's ganache recipe. 
• I put the ganache in between the cakes and then more for the top and sides.

I put it in the fridge when it's done because I like the chocolate ganache to get hard. 

I added real whipped cream on the side.  And, if you have raspberries, they are an amazing addition! 

So good...very fattening, but very good for a special treat (on special and not as special occasions!).