anger (two)

If you missed the first post yesterday, it's here (or just below this one :)).

We come to a turning point...this wasn't actually in that email, but thought it was definitely worth mentioning.

One night I got so upset for a silly reason.

I came out to the couch to sit and think and "calm down a bit".  I'm not recalling all of the details, but I'm sure I made my way back to our room a couple of times to say a few things about why I was upset. 

When Clint came out to the couch I was crying and upset.  My sitting and thinking and "calming down" was basically thinking through why I was upset and all the reasons I was so good and he wasn't (probably anything I had been upset about over the last year) and just dump it all out.

I think I wished he would get angry back.  Tell me what was wrong about me.  Say mean things.

But he wouldn't.

Then I'd get upset saying that he didn't care.  And he would say he wasn't sure what to say.

Finally, this one night we somehow ended up talking about why he didn't.  Come to find out, he choose not to.  A shocking concept!

He said that at points in his life he would have come back at me with really mean and hurtful words.  He said that sometimes he thought of things to say, but knew that they weren't really true but instead were based on his emotions in that moment.

It was a conscious choice to stay quiet, because he didn't want to be hurtful.

Yikes.

I don't know...somehow I was able to hear it that night.  I know I should have known that, of course, I can make choices to stop the negative train of thought...to think about things that are true verses untrue.  To think logically, to remain calm while we talk things out.

And yet.

Besides that conversation (which was huge for me) there have been some practical things in the last year that have only added to not getting angry.

Again, to not let this get too long, I will continue on tomorrow.