Remember

Notes to myself...

Remember needing direction and be unsure

Remember being alone

Remember being desperate for a child and having hopes dashed each month

Remember losing a child while it was still early in growing inside of you

Remember losing faith and doubting God

Remember having a first baby and being overwhelmed

Remember having a second baby and being so tired

Remember the seasons that were life is too busy

Remember needing help

Remember being in transitions...again and again

Remember to open my eyes to see all that I don't know and haven't experienced

There is so much beauty in life, but also a lot of hardness.  I believe beauty is or can be found in the midst of all the above (of course SO much beauty in new life), but it is or can all be hard as well.

In the midst of this current season where the theme many days is "make it through" and it's hard to get outside myself, I am reminded of the times in life that are difficult and opportunities to be community in the midst of them...encouragement through either shared experiences or straight up empathy and thoughtfulness.  I'm reminded of this every time someone has shown me love...sometimes in seemingly the smallest of ways.

When things are easily peaceful, running smooth the majority of the time, and sleep is coming in longer lengths of time, I want to remember these moments now (and those above) to somehow, hopefully pass on love. 

All while remembering that...

there are a lot of things I have not experienced
a lot of hardship I have not suffered
others are in the same moments as me 
others have waited longer, prayed harder, loved more than I can even imagine
every experience is unique

BUT we can be together in the midst of it.  To bring beauty, peace and love to life...ours and others.

"Love is a fruit, in season at all times and within reach of every hand.  Anyone may gather it and no limit is set.  Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary." - Mother Teresa

the weekend

Thankful for...

naps
sunshine
perfect beautiful weather
food with friends
food from neighbors
meeting of new people
good conversations
helpful conversations
smores
campfires
family

the garden (an update by pictures)

We continue to enjoy the garden and love the fruits of it. With my mom's recent visit I believe I'm learning a lot in the process as we briefly talked through gardening topics.

Here's a snapshot...my view of our travels to and from the garden.

baths and songs

Clint and I gave the girls baths tonight.  This is fun and sweet in itself.

Afterward Clint jumped in the shower since he'd run right before.  I'd already put a diaper and clothes on Iris.

Evee was dry but naked, playing with the train set in her room.  I moved over from the extra bed in her room to the rocking chair my mom gave me when Evee was born.

Instead of making Evee put her jammies on right away, I rocked Iris and told Evee how I used to rock her in that same rocking chair.  I told her how I used to feed her and sing to her in that chair.  It's been awhile since we've sung to her at bedtime.  There was a time I thought we'd always sing to her.

I started singing the songs I used to sing to her..."You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." (one I remember my dad singing to me) and "I love you Evee, yes I do.  I love you Evee and I'll be true..."  She joined along and then asked that we sing them to Iris.

It wasn't too long that we sat there...her naked on the floor, singing while she played with the trains...me and Iris rocking on the chair. 

Tonight as I put her to bed she said, "Do you love being my mom?"

Yes.  So so much.

These are the blessings of these days.

cooking and baking

On Sunday night we had the last of the post-baby meals that were coming throughout the last 4 weeks.  Really, it amazes me that throughout this last month we've had 17 people bring meals to us.  It has been the hugest blessing in many ways. 

It's a reminder to me to bring meals to others...it's sometimes easy in the midst of life to forget what a gift those meals are during the first weeks of a new life joining the home or during hard times or just as a wonderful surprise. 

This afternoon Evee and I finally did some cooking and baking of our own.  With as wonderful as those meals were (and I will greatly miss food being dropped off at my door every other night), I think I might have missed baking/cooking just a bit.  It was nice to be productive in my kitchen today.

Yogurt making: I had seen this tutorial (soulemama) the other day and was inspired by this friend (Paul Kind) months ago .  I figured it could save us a lot of money and it seems to be a very easy process (I say "seems" as we are only partway through the process...still have an hour or 2 to go to see how ours turns out).

Beyond that, we made a yummy potato soup that was eaten for dinner tonight and saved some sad looking bananas by making both banana bread and muffins.  All very good stuff...

 the whole of it, right before dinner tonight

Rain

Today was much cooler than the rest of our summer days.  Tonight it even got down to around 60 degrees.

It rained throughout the day and with all the windows open tonight the rain was very evident.  After dinner Evee and I made our way out to the porch.

We hung out on the porch for awhile.  After getting her umbrella Evee made her way out in to the rain.  It was raining pretty hard, though there wasn't any thunder or lighting.  It was a very nice rain...very refreshing and peaceful.

Eventually Clint made his way out to the porch with some wine.  We sat out there for a few moments as Evee continued to play in the rain...eventually taking off her dress that was soaked and getting down to just her undies...eventually talking me into getting my umbrella and joining her in the puddles.

She ended with a warm bath that Clint had ready for when we made our way in.

This night reminded me of the many nights we'd stand on the porch of our old farmhouse growing up.  When big storms would come through, my dad would always go out to watch and hear the storm.  I always loved joining him.  I was never afraid at those big storms because I was out there with him.  His appreciation and love for them have made storms all the more endearing for me.  I'd actually not thought of this memory for quite awhile and it was such a nice one tonight.

This was the highlight of my day.  The peace in the midst of being tired (even though I did get a nap...SO wonderful).  Sweet moments and memories in the midst of the weariness that sometimes comes across the soul.

small joys

Well, if I wait to write when I'm getting more sleep it may be months.  So here I am...in spite of a tremendous lack of sleep these days.

Last night was a rough one.  Iris has been consistently sleeping 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 hours at a time during the night.  This is vastly different than Evee, who as a newborn was sleeping 6+ hours at this point in life (if I'm remember right, but I think I am).  In any case, I've been choosing to be happy (for the most part) about getting 2 hours of consecutive sleep and believing it can only get better from here.

Last night something went awry.  Iris was awake for the better part of 12:35am-3:00am.  I'll add that she then went to sleep until 3:45am.  Smile. Yep, a whole 45 min later we were up together again.

To add to that, I had put Iris back to bed (again) around 6am and not ten minutes later I hear Evee's door open.  Seriously?  Last week she was consistently sleeping till 8:30 (sometimes 9).

I'm chalking it up to an "off" night and hopeful that tonight will be smoother.

While deliriously tired I try to find small joys in the night time routine...even if it's simply the sweetness of the little one I'm holding and desperately trying to get back to sleep.

One greater appreciation I now have is the way my pillow feels as I gladly join it for a couple more hours of sleep and the beauty of pulling the sheets up close to my face - the coziness of those brief moments before I drift to sleep.  Those feelings are only increased in the switch off between me coming to bed and Clint getting up to be with Iris.  I'm all the more comforted knowing that Clint is with Iris and is more than able to comfort her (except if she's hungry, of course).  If she cries, I still get to lie in bed.

I woke up as he came back to bed.  He held me close - understanding the lack of sleep and the longness of the night.  Thankful that in the midst of it all and in the variations within our roles, we get to parent together.

Staying home

We've been home a lot more since little Iris has come.  It's got great benefits even when if it feels a bit restricting at times.

The randomness that fills our days...

 Putting things on her very own magnet board

Making special things like a house (from a shoebox) for her toy rabbit set

Looking at this sweet thing 

Talking on skype and by phone to family 

Saying hello and goodbye a few times with a lot of playing, coffee dates, singing in between...always sad for the goodbyes, but thankful for the great moments had.  Another hello tonight when my sister comes!!! (For more pictures of Evee and her papa and grandma, check out my mom's blog)

So tired

Today at Iris' 2 week the doctor appointment I found I was asking many of the same kind of questions I asked over 3 years ago when we had Evee's first doctor appointments.  In my mind I think that I should certainly know all of this...we've done it before, but I still needed to ask some of the same questions or at least get confirmation on a few things. 

The doctor said that she thinks we forget the gist of it all or no one would have more kids. :)  Kind of humorous, but I find myself wondering if it's a bit true. 

The lack of sleep, the regular fussy time in the evening (usually just when we are about to sit down for dinner), the many diaper changes, the times when you are up in the middle of the night for over an hour with a fussy little one who just won't settle.  For some reason, I remember these things from the first time around but only vaguely. 

At least this time I know that eventually we will get more sleep.  Eventually I won't feel so foggy.  Eventually we will get some sense of routine and learn how it is to be a family of 4.  Eventually...

And in the meantime I'm thankful for family being around, a husband to hand things off to and carry the weight of it with, the smiles that come randomly from Iris, a 3 year old who has her moments but continues to adjust well overall, little bits of sleep (like 2 consecutive hours!), meals that are coming regularly, and the knowledge that eventually we will get more sleep. :)

So here we are

One week in on this little one's life (as of tomorrow AM).

(as a side note, before I forget...thanks for the emails, phone calls, prayers, texts on the days prior to her birth as well as throughout this first week.  I have felt so surrounded...)

She is a blessing.  So sweet even now.  I just look at her and Evee and think, how did we get 2 sweet girls?  I mean, really, they are both just the most precious things.

As far as the first week goes...

Things now fully remembered

• days and nights mixed up (thankfully for her, not me :))
• how little a newborn is, but even more so how big a three year old is
• the pain of birthing a child, no matter how it comes, and how the pain starts to fade within time
• breastfeeding...I just love it
• swaddling.  So thankful we know how to swaddle well and that it works without fail
• gratitude for community and their meals that are coming our way.

Things I love this time around

• having a husband who is so engaged in the process of it all.  Believing in me for the birth, believing for me that it would get easier than it was the first 2 days, changing every diaper the first few days, making sure that Evee was picked up, cuddled, loved, valued.  Only growing in love and appreciation for each other in these moments.
• watching Evee connect so naturally with her little sister...I greatly anticipate watching this unfold over the years.  Knowing my sisters are coming to visit soon and knowing that my girls will have each other to do the same with one day is such a precious thought.
• watching Evee transition so sweetly and embracing the change in our home.  She is really helpful and so tender with Iris.
• having 2 sweet girls...two.  Who would have thought?  We were guessing a boy.  2 girls is so fun though.
• having my parents around while in the hospital (and a bit before).  Listening to Evee tell us what she and papi and grammi did throughout the days.  Sadly, but sweetly, watching Evee and my dad say good-bye to each other...both crying.  
• Continuing to have my mom around.  This was the case last time, but it's such a blessing again.  Probably even more so this time since she is such a help with Evee and I'm not so overwhelmed with taking care of a new life.  We get more time to chat and be together this time around.  
• sitting on the porch.  This was the week to have a baby.  We went from 90-100 degree weather to 70's and 80's this week.  Beautiful weather for walks and playground visits and lots of sitting on the porch - for meals, talks, reading.
• the sling my sister made me the first time around.  I loved it so much then, so I'm not sure if I can say that I love it even more now, but I think I will.  I love it even more now.  It makes it easy to walk with Iris in pouch and Evee in hand.  I also get a lot of sweet looks from people passing by, knowing that a new little life is tucked inside.  
• taking a break.  When time, I'm reading a novel and looking over a real simple magazine.  I'm tired, but am also relaxed.

 

 The first day of life at the hospital with Evee (1st pic)

Tonight - before and after her bath (2nd and 3rd pics)