tears

I lay in bed.  I found my thoughts praying that the girls would stay warm and sleep in a bit.  I stopped praying seeing how tiny these prayers are in light of all that could be prayed for...all the hurt and suffering that is happening in the world, right now, while I lay cozy in my bed praying for longer sleep (!?!).

My mind went to a conversation from earlier this week.  My friend lost her baby 10 years ago.  She went into the hospital pregnant, but walked out without a baby in hand.

She told me that she would wake up in the night having heard a baby cry.  Except there was no baby to go to, to nurse, to hold.  She told me that she loves the sun and sunny days.  After Hannah died when people would say simple things like, "what a sunny day", she would think, "who cares...my baby is dead."

Of course, I think about Josh and Kari who lost Margot.  What they must feel on a daily, moment by moment basis.  I think about the pain of losing a child.  I think about them all the time.  I miss Margot with and for them.

We sat downtown today, outside the library.  Two friends, the girls and I.  The farmer's market was going on.  There was a guy playing music.  He was pretty good.  There was not a cloud in the sky and it was a truly beautiful day.  We ate cider donuts and apples from the farm. Sometimes our eyes were teary.  Sometimes not. 

My friend just found out that her dad has cancer again.  And what did we do?  We sat eating donuts...because what else is there to do?  We talked about how her mom was doing, how her dad felt and how she, herself, was coping.  But, we also talked about work and the day and randomness.  I guess being together brings peace.

As I strive to focus on the beauty of our lives, I struggle knowing all the hurt. Sometimes I think it is amazing that there is beauty at all, though I am so grateful for it.  And I think I will pray differently...though I don't always know how.